Things People Don't Usually Talk About in Surrogacy - Tough Conversations

Learn the answer to this week's user-submitted question about surrogacy in this week's installment of Ask a Surrogacy Expert! Have a question about surrogacy that you'd like answered? Submit it at https://www.brightfuturesfamilies.com/ask

Surrogacy Communication Challenges

Clear and honest communication upfront is crucial to avoid frustrations during surrogacy arrangements. Honest talks on money and childcare upfront prevent misunderstandings and build trust.

Communication Style: Setting clear expectations on update frequency and style avoids frustration between carriers and parents.

Termination Boundaries: Early, detailed discussions on pregnancy termination limits help avoid surprises and conflicts.

Vaccine Preferences: Open vaccine choice talks ensure compatibility and reduce stress later in the pregnancy.

Matching Program Support: Ongoing dialogue through matching programs such as Bright Futures Families Surrogacy Agency (your surrogacy BFF) helps revisit tough topics and adapt to changes.

Honesty Importance: Early openness is key to trust and smooth surrogacy, preventing bigger problems down the line.

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Transcript:

Hey, everyone. This is Jennifer with Bright Futures Families Surrogacy with this week's Ask a Surrogacy Expert Question. And this week's question is, “What are the things that people frequently don't talk about?” That can be difficult, and I think that's a great question. We try really hard to make sure that everybody talks through the nuances of all of these things, but it can be very easy to miss things as well, just because either somebody isn't being fully transparent about things or. Or you don't know all the answers yet. And so people sometimes skip them and forget to come back. But some of the big ones that people often skip, especially if they're not working through an agency, is talking about money very clearly and very thoroughly in advance. So there are things like talking about benefit packages and like, talking about, like, things like, “Hey, my wages are a little unique in this. So, like, lost wages might be complex for me.” That even happens to us as an agency. Sometimes people forget to tell us how complex things are for them, and so we can't assist them in those cases. And everybody feels a little frustrated and blindsided. So open transparency, even with an agency, can be really important with those hard conversations. Also, how much childcare assistance you actually need. A lot of times people really gloss that over because they don't think about some of those difficulties, things that people sometimes forget to talk about. Or the harder conversation can also be communication differences. So if you're a busy parent, you know, as a gestational carrier, and you're like, “I just can't. I can maybe send you one text message a day that says ‘Hi’”, you know, like. But the parents are like, “I want to hear everything that you've done and every time the baby kicks and, you know, what you eat and when you leave the house and when you come home”, and you can have a very big communication disconnect, and if you don't talk about those things in advance, it can lead to some major frustrations. There are, of course, some other hard conversations that I feel like mostly in the surrogacy circles are starting to at least be acknowledged, that need to be had. Talking about termination of a pregnancy where everybody's limits are, it is not black and white. It's not as simple as “I won't terminate” or “I will terminate”. There's a lot of gray in between. And it's really important for people to explore that conversation very thoroughly. Same thing with vaccines. It could be that you're like, “Yeah, I'm willing to get any of the vaccines except Covid, because I have a very real reason”. Or “I might be willing to get Covid, but I'm not willing to get the flu vaccine”. And so talking through all of those and the why can help people come to a respectful understanding of each other and to realize whether you are or not a good match in advance. Because by the time you're working through the process, it can be really difficult to acknowledge those things and not just sweep them under the rug and hope that they'll come out for the best. (Like we all hope that everything's going to come out for the best.) But also, if you're in the bad situation where you are facing a termination conversation or you're we're misaligned on things like vaccines, and you're already pregnant, it's too late to be solving those problems now. So it can get to be really tough to have those conversations in advance. A good matching program is going to be there to help you through that. Even if you didn't feel like you had a great conversation at the beginning, they're going to be there to continue to have those conversations later on. Because sometimes conversations aren't one and done and sometimes people's feelings change about things.