Dealing with Grief in Surrogacy
What is not talked about during surrogacy
This is such an important and often unspoken piece of surrogacy that I feel should be addressed more often but it is such a uniquely difficult subject: Loss of pregnancy in surrogacy.
When Loss Happens in Surrogacy: The Conversation Few Have
Surrogacy is often painted in soft, joyful colors—a journey of hope, generosity, and family building. Most of the stories we see shared focus on the happy ending: the moment intended parents finally hold their long‑awaited child. But tucked quietly in the shadows is a truth that isn’t often spoken about: sometimes, surrogacy journeys include loss.
Pregnancy loss is already a tender, often a silenced subject. In surrogacy, it carries unique layers of complexity that many don’t anticipate—and even fewer openly discuss.
Why Loss Isn’t Talked About In Surrogacy
One reason is simple: people want to hold onto hope. Intended parents begin these journeys after heartbreaks of their own—failed IVF cycles, infertility struggles, sometimes years of waiting. Agencies and surrogacy professionals tend to focus on the positive, not wanting to scare anyone away. And even surrogates themselves may feel pressure to keep things “uplifting,” downplaying the risks of pregnancy.
But loss can and does happen. And when it does, the silence around it can make it feel even heavier.
The Unique Grief of Surrogacy Loss
Pregnancy loss is never easy, but for a surrogate, it can feel different:
Double grief: The surrogate feels the physical and emotional impact of the miscarriage, while also grieving deeply for the intended parents who have just lost their dream.
Feelings of guilt: Even though it is never the surrogates fault, a surrogate may feel she has let the intended parents down.
Medical weight: Because IVF involves months (or even years) of preparation, medications, and hope, a loss isn’t just about the pregnancy—it’s about the collective effort everyone invested.
Difficult conversations: Surrogates often have to share the news not only with the intended parents, but also with their own children, family, and friends who were excited about the journey.
Pressure to move forward: Sometimes discussions about “trying again” come quickly, when the surrogate’s body and heart may not yet be ready.
What Surrogates Need After Loss
What helps most is compassion and recognition:
Validation: Surrogates deserve to have their grief honored, even though the baby wasn’t biologically theirs. Loss is loss.
Gentle support from intended parents and agencies: Time to heal, without pressure or blame, is essential.
Community: Talking with other surrogates who have experienced loss can be profoundly comforting.
Mental Health Support: Mental Health Support from a licensed therapist through the agency or outside of the agency is crucial
Acknowledgment: Friends and family can help by remembering that physical recovery is real, even without a baby at home.
Breaking the Silence
It’s okay to acknowledge that surrogacy is beautiful and that it comes with risks—including loss. By speaking about it more openly, we create space for honesty, healing, and compassion. Surrogates don’t just carry a child—they carry hope, dreams, and love. When loss interrupts that journey, they shouldn’t carry the weight of silence too.
Resources for Support
If you or someone you know has experienced pregnancy loss during surrogacy, here are some places to find comfort and connection:
RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association – Offers support groups and resources for intended parents and surrogates. resolve.org
Share Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support – Provides support groups, resources, and a community for anyone grieving a pregnancy or infant loss. nationalshare.org
Return to Zero: HOPE – A nonprofit offering retreats, online groups, and grief resources for families navigating loss. rtzhope.org
Surrogate Support Groups (Facebook & online forums): Many surrogates find comfort in connecting with others who understand the unique aspects of loss in surrogacy.
Mental Health Professionals: Therapists trained in perinatal grief can provide safe spaces for healing.
If you are a surrogate or intended parent who has experienced loss, please know this: you are not alone. Your feelings are valid, your grief is real, and your story deserves to be heard.