My partner and I both want to have a genetic relationship to our children - any advice?
The amazing thing about technology is that there are many ways to create a family and have a genetic relationship with your child. The use of an egg donor and modern technology has made it possible for so many more families to have a genetic link to their children.
Same Sex Male Couple
Without a uterus it goes without question that a same sex male couple generally won’t be able to carry the baby. They will likely need a gestational carrier to assist with that part of the process. [We address transgender family building below!] It is very common for two hopeful dads to find and use an unknown egg donor. After the egg donor is selected, the IVF clinic will inseminate the sperm of one or both of the partners to create embryos. If they both want to know which partner’s sperm was used to create the embryos, the embryologist will attempt to create embryos with each partners sperm separately. The embryo will need to grow to a certain number of days (usually 5) and be tested to determine if the embryo is normal but they can keep them separate so they know which intended father’s sperm the embryo was created with.
Sometimes when same sex male couples want to have one of each of their own biological children that are close in age, they might have two gestational carriers transfer with around 4-6 months between transfers so they can have “twins” but still each have one biological child. Simultaneous journeys are not encouraged unless the transfers are at least six months apart. It is also important to mention this is a very expensive process and many people do not have the financial ability to have two surrogacy journeys at the same time. Many families also choose to space out their children with several years between.
Another possible route that we have seen over the years is if one of the males within the couple has a sister or close cousin who is willing to donate her eggs and use the opposite male partners sperm. That can be a great way that both dads are genetically related to the child. This could also be done with the sister becoming a traditional surrogate and being inseminated with the sperm (they would need to live in a state where traditional surrogacy is permitted and have the entire process overseen by a reproductive endocrinologist) or by having the sister complete a retrieval and donate the eggs to create the embryos to be then transferred into a gestational carrier. The latter is usually encouraged when going this route as traditional surrogacy can be very complex and is not legal or recognized in most states!
Transgender Couples
If within a couple one partners has ovaries and/or a uterus, and feels comfortable carrying the child, it is possible for both to have a biological connection regardless of what their gender identity is. The partner with ovaries could choose to have an egg retrieval and utilize a surrogate, or could even choose to carry themselves. One large problem with this, of course, is that the partner may not feel comfortable carrying a child. This is a very valid feeling and one should never feel pressured into feeling gender dysphoria in order to become a parent!
If a transgender male has the ability to create eggs (which may depend on where they are in their transition and how long they have taken transition related hormones) they can potentially do an egg retrieval. Hopefully their endocrinologist spoke to them about fertility preservation options early in their transition journey as well! If the partner is a biological male then, of course, it would be possible to make embryos together and utilize a gestational carrier to carry the child. Of course, donors can be utilized for providing one or both sets of gametes, as well!
There are so many ways to create a family and to have a genetic relationship to your child! All families are created with love!! Bright Futures Families is here to support you through this process and while we don’t assist with traditional surrogacy, if you do choose to go with the gestational carrier route, please feel free to schedule a free consultation.