Things People Don’t Talk About in Surrogacy

When most people think of surrogacy, they imagine the happy endings: proud parents holding their newborn, smiling photos at the hospital, and heartfelt thank-you messages. And while those moments are very real, they aren’t the whole story.

Behind the highlight reels are experiences and emotions that don’t always get shared or make it to social media.  Not because they are negative but because they are complex, emotional, and sometimes can be hard to put into words.  Here are a few of the things people don’t always talk about when it comes to surrogacy:

The Waiting Game

One of the most overlooked aspects of surrogacy is just how much waiting is involved.  Surrogacy is not an overnight process.  Throughout the journey between matching with the right family, medical screenings, psychological evaluations, legal contracts, and waiting for a positive pregnancy test - it can feel like a cycle of hurry-up-and-wait and can take longer than most people expect. Waiting can feel like being in limbo.  It can feel like an emotional tug-of-war: excitement for the next step mixed with anxiety about delays or uncertainty.  Anyone on a surrogacy journey will find that it takes a lot of patience and resilience. While the waiting game can be challenging, it’s also an important part of the surrogacy journey.  It allows for thoughtful preparation and ensures that every step from medical safety to emotional readiness is handled with care and not rushed.

The Emotional Rollercoaster

Surrogacy isn’t a only a physical journey… it is also a deeply emotional one.  While surrogacy is filled with joy, it can also be filled with uncertainty.  There are moments of incredible joy, but also anxiety, stress, and sometimes grief. Not every embryo transfer results in pregnancy the first time. Sometimes there are losses along the way, and those moments can be deeply emotional for both surrogates and intended parents. The highs and lows are real, and support is crucial.  The highs such as seeing a positive pregnancy test, seeing the baby’s heartbeat for the first time on ultrasound, or when the baby is born are milestones that can be incredibly fulfilling, reminding surrogates why they chose this path.  There can also be lows such as when there is a failed transfer, or a pregnancy loss. Grief, disappointment, or even guilt can surface, even though surrogates know that it’s not their fault.  It is important to manage the emotional rollercoaster by surrogates having open communication with intended parents which can help manage expectations and build emotional support. Mental health support, whether it be support groups, counseling or therapy can provide tools for coping with any stress, grief, or anxiety that comes up in the journey.

The Physical Toll

Surrogacy is as physically demanding as it is emotionally rewarding. While the focus is often on the joy of helping a family grow, the reality is that carrying a pregnancy requires significant commitment from the surrogate’s body.  Before pregnancy even begins, surrogates often undergo extensive medical testing to ensure their health and readiness. This can include blood work, ultrasounds, and even sometimes surgical procedures.  Hormone treatments and daily injections are common during the preparation phase and early pregnancy. These medications are necessary to support the embryo transfer and maintain a healthy pregnancy, but they can also come with side effects such as mood swings, fatigue, and physical discomfort.  While pregnancy may be considered “easy” for those wanting to become a surrogate, every pregnancy can have its ups and downs, and surrogates might experience the same physical challenges as any expectant parent: morning sickness, fatigue, body aches, and changes in sleep or appetite.  The surrogacy process is more than “just being pregnant” for another family.  Between traveling if you are not local to the IVF clinic, frequent appointments for bloodwork and ultrasounds even before pregnancy, daily hormone injections, typical pregnancy discomforts, and possibility of c-sections, stiches after vaginal delivery, or complications that can affect the body for weeks, months, or longer-- surrogates commit their bodies to an intense process. It’s beautiful act of care, commitment, and strength, but it’s not always easy.

Life Keeps Moving

While surrogacy is a major life event, surrogates can’t hit the “pause” button on their own lives to become a surrogate.  Work, family, friendships, and personal responsibilities continue alongside medical appointments and pregnancy milestones.  Many surrogates juggle full-time jobs, childcare, or other commitments while navigating the demands of surrogacy.  They are scheduling appointments, traveling for medical screening and embryo transfer if their fertility clinic isn’t local and also completing all of the local ultrasounds and bloodwork appointments before, during, and after pregnancy.  Meanwhile they are juggling their own life responsibilities such as laundry, groceries, carpooling, raising their own children, and the list goes on…. Those responsibilities don’t stop because they are carrying someone else’s child.  Even though life keeps moving and surrogates balance the added responsibilities that come with surrogacy with a lot of grace, it is important to remember surrogates have a life outside of surrogacy.

Friendship Isn’t Guaranteed

There’s a common narrative that surrogates and intended parents will form a lifelong bond…. but the reality is more nuanced. While many relationships are warm, supportive, and meaningful, not every surrogacy journey results in a close friendship.

All relationships are organic and there are many reasons that a friendship doesn’t always develop between a surrogate and the intended parents.  Even with shared values, people have different communication styles, comfort levels, and emotional needs.  Some surrogates and intended parents live far apart, limiting in-person interactions and shared experiences that can foster friendship.  Some surrogates and intended parents prefer a friendly relationship without being friends, while others naturally become closer.

The important thing to remember is that it is okay to choose to remain friendly but not necessarily become friends.  The relationship can still be meaningful, respectful, and deeply appreciated.  Mutual respect, open communication, and gratitude often matter more than friendship in ensuring a positive, healthy experience.

With that said, some surrogates and intended parents become lifelong friends which is wonderful too!  It is all about what relationship organically forms between the intended parents and the surrogate and nothing should be forced.  All forms of connection are valid and valuable.

Surrogacy isn’t about guaranteed friendships…… it’s about trust, collaboration, and supporting one another through a complex and life-changing journey.

The Post-Birth Transition

Handing the baby to their parents is beautiful and feels like the most rewarding moment in surrogacy… but it’s not the end of the journey and can be emotionally complex. Surrogates can experience a wide range of feelings during this post-birth transition and acknowledging them is essential for emotional well-being.

After the baby is born, there can be a mix of emotions such as joy, fulfillment, and unexpected feelings of attachment.  Most surrogates feel immense pride and happiness knowing they helped create a family. Watching the intended parents hold their baby for the first time is an unforgettable and deeply moving experience.  With that can also, for some surrogates, come unexpected feelings of attachment.  Even though the baby is not theirs to keep, some surrogates could form a bond of sorts through months of nurturing and care. Saying goodbye can bring a surprising mix of sadness, relief, and even a sense of emptiness.

It is also important to remember that birth is very physically demanding and while a surrogate does not have a new baby to take care of, physical and hormonal recovery begins right as daily life is snapping back into motion.  It is important to have a supportive network of friends, family, and especially other surrogates (who understand the unique emotional dynamics of surrogacy).   The post-birth transition is layered: full of emotion, pride, and complexity. The post-birth transition is not just a single moment… it’s a process. Emotions may continue to evolve in the days and weeks following the birth, and it’s important for surrogates to give themselves grace and patience.  Support, rest, and recognition make all the difference.

Talking about these pieces doesn’t take away from the beauty of surrogacy- it makes it more real. The hard parts don’t cancel out the incredible gift. They remind us that surrogates are human, and this journey is layered and meaningful in ways most people never see.  Surrogacy is a gift. But it’s also a journey- layered, emotional, and deeply human. The more we talk about all of it, the more we honor the people who make it possible.  Are you ready to explore surrogacy and all it has to offer?  Our team is filled with experienced surrogates who are happy to share both the good and bad of their experiences!  Reach out today!