Matching Matters: What is Important to You?

When I first began exploring surrogacy, I thought the most important thing was simply finding a family who needed me. But as I quickly learned, matching with intended parents is about so much more than wanting to help—it’s about shared values, open communication, and facing difficult conversations before you’re pregnant.

Here’s what I discovered about the matching process, and why topics like termination of pregnancy and vaccines matter so much when you’re the one carrying.

Matching Isn’t Just Paperwork—It’s People

After much in depth research, I realized that a “good match” is one where both sides feel respected and understood.

• Shared Values
  Early on, I had to ask myself: What are my own beliefs about pregnancy, medical interventions, and termination if something went wrong? These are not small questions, and they shape whether you’re aligned with intended parents.

• Communication Style
  Some parents wanted daily updates; others only wanted to hear after big milestones. I had to think about what I was comfortable with.

• Relationship Goals
  Was I okay with a lifelong connection, or did I prefer more boundaries after delivery? Again—questions worth asking before a match is official.

• Deal Breakers
  I had to be honest about lifestyle, health history, and how involved I wanted my own family to be. Being upfront avoids conflict later.

Facing the Hard Stuff: Termination of Pregnancy

One of the hardest but most necessary conversations I had was around termination. No surrogate wants to think about it—but the reality is, pregnancy doesn’t always go as planned.

• Clarity Before Pregnancy
  I needed to know where I stood personally, and whether I could emotionally and ethically align with my intended parents if doctors recommended termination for fetal anomalies or if my own health was at risk.

• Legal Realities
  Depending on the state, laws vary about who makes the final call as well as accessibility of care. I learned quickly that it’s critical to know what’s possible legally where the pregnancy will take place.

• Emotional Impact
  Even if you agree in theory, living through such a situation is intense. Having counseling and mental health resources spelled out in the contract gave me peace of mind.

Talking about termination wasn’t comfortable—but it was essential.

Vaccines: Another Layer of Care

Another important conversation? Vaccines.

• Before Transfer
  Reproductive endocrinologists often want surrogates up to date on vaccines like MMR, flu, and COVID.  They often leave those decisions to the parties as a matching criteria, though.  So I really needed to assess how I felt before pursuing a match.

• During Pregnancy
  I needed to be honest with myself as to whether I was comfortable with Tdap, flu, RSV and other vaccines that might be recommended for pregnant women.

• Different Comfort Levels
  Some intended parents had very strong opinions—either pro-vaccine or hesitant – and it can vary depending on the individual vaccine. I had to make sure our approaches aligned so I wouldn’t feel pressured into a decision that didn’t sit right with me.

These conversations made me realize that vaccines aren’t just medical details—they’re part of the matching process.

Why It All Matters

Being a gestational carrier is one of the most meaningful things I’ve ever done—but it’s also a journey that demands honesty.

• Medical advances mean more families can turn to surrogacy.

• Social shifts mean more parents feel safe being open about their needs.

• But at the heart of it, a match only works when gestational carriers and intended parents are on the same page about tough topics—termination, vaccines, medical decisions, and the kind of relationship we want.

My Advice to Future Carriers

If you’re considering surrogacy, know this: matching is less about finding a family, and more about finding the right family for you.

Ask the hard questions. Be upfront about your values. Don’t shy away from discussing termination or vaccines. These aren’t just “what-ifs”—they’re real possibilities that shape how supported you’ll feel if challenges arise.

When you find the right match, everything—from embryo transfer to delivery—feels more grounded, respectful, and full of trust. And that’s what makes the journey worth it for everyone involved.

Do you have questions about what other criteria might be important when matching?  The team at Bright Futures Families is more than happy to help answer them!