Things People Don't Usually Talk About in Surrogacy - Not All Matches Work Out

Learn the answer to this week's user-submitted question about surrogacy in this week's installment of Ask a Surrogacy Expert! Have a question about surrogacy that you'd like answered? Submit it at brightfuturesfamilies.com/ask

Video Summary:

Surrogacy Match Challenges

The surrogacy process involves complex relationships where not all matches succeed due to personality and expectation differences. Personality Mismatches: Surrogacy success depends on strong rapport; personality clashes harm collaboration and trust. Communication Expectations: Different views on contact frequency cause tension; setting boundaries early helps avoid misunderstandings. Emotional Realities: Surrogacy is uncertain and emotionally demanding; patience and acceptance are crucial for resilience. Restarting Process: Leaving a bad match is okay; multiple attempts may be needed for a healthy partnership. Bright Futures Families Surrogacy Agency facilitates the matching process between intended parents and gestational carriers. Support Strategies: Counseling and mediation help resolve conflicts, reducing sudden match terminations. Decision Making: Walking away protects emotional health; flexible support guides healthy, trusting partnerships.

Transcript:

Hey, everyone, it's Amanda, the Director at Bright Futures Families Surrogacy, and I am here with today's Ask Question. The question is, or the statement actually, is “Things people don't usually talk about in surrogacy: Not all matches work out”. Sad, but true. This is something that isn't talked about very often, but it's important to be honest about it. So a surrogacy journey involves a lot of people. It also involves a lot of moving parts. You have the surrogate, the intended parents, the agency, doctors, attorneys, coordinators. There's a whole bunch of people and businesses and things coming together. And everyone is coming together with the shared goal of building a family. But even when everyone has the best intentions, sometimes the match just isn't the right fit. One of the biggest reasons can simply be personalities. Surrogacy creates a very unique relationship. You're working closely together during a really emotional and meaningful process. And sometimes personalities just don't naturally click the way everyone would hope they would. Another thing that can happen is that expectations don't align. Maybe one party imagined frequent communication in a very close relationship or while the other pictured something a little more private. Neither approach is wrong, and sometimes it's just a difference in perspective or expectations. But if these expectations aren't aligned, it can create tension. And the truth is, it can be hard. Surrogacy involves emotions, trust, vulnerability, and a lot of hope. So when something doesn't feel right in a match, it can feel uncomfortable to talk about. It can even feel a little awkward to acknowledge that maybe things aren't working the way everyone expected. This is a hurry up and wait game with no guarantees. I always say there's no 0% and there's no 100%. So it is a process of probability and making the best choice possible for many aspects of this process. But here's the really important part. It is okay to start over. Recognizing that a match may not be the best fit doesn't mean anyone did anything wrong. Sometimes it simply means that the right partnership is still out there. Taking a step back and finding a better match can actually create a healthier or more positive journey for everyone involved. This may also include, before walking away, doing some counseling, talking to your case manager at the agency, talking to the clinic, going to a psychological appointment together, just to be able to work things out and talk things through. Obviously, we want this to be positive for the surrogate, the intended parents, and ultimately the baby. Surrogacy works best when there is trust, comfort, and good communication. That includes with each other, with the agency and any other parties involved. And sometimes finding that takes more than one try, and that's okay. Just be willing to be flexible to reach out to those around you for support. And sometimes it may just be a little glitch in communication and you can work things through. And sometimes I would say last step is to walk away, but that is possible and that is okay. You need to make the best choice for you and for everyone involved in this process. I hope this helps answer your question and have a great day.